Vacations, at their best, allow the time to gain perspective. The pushes and pulls of everyday life fall away and simply"being" replaces our usual never ending state of endlessly "becoming." Our hectic daily activities are replaced by more static indulgences such as staring at waves, reading novels, sleeping on the beach and thoughtful meanders. Yeah its good stuff! A friend I vacationed in Mexico with once, told me she could see my face change in a dramatic way, loosing its tension and angst and settling into a far more attractive calm every day we were there. After four weeks of beach and mountains we are looking pretty good!
For the relaxation that we knew we needed we headed to the places that we knew would do it best for us. . .for Andrew it is the beach, and particularly the Ocracoke Island, NC a place he's been going to for nearly 30 years, and the only
spot I've ever seen him be content at just doing nothing. He can sit on the beach for hours just looking at things: the birds, the waves, the shells, the colors and be totally happy.
For me it is the mountains and particularly
Seneca Rocks, WV. There is absolutely nothing that makes me feel as good as hiking up a trail and sitting in the sunshine on a ledge on that crag with like minded friends, enjoying that perpetual present tense that is climbing.
But we don't get to do either the beach or the mountains much any more, so their therapeutic effects were even more pronounced this time; and missed even more.
At one point I thought that nearly four weeks of vacation was pretty indulgent; but when you dealing with stresses like cancer, you have to pull out the big guns. Honestly, as I see it now, four weeks was barely enough. The perspective that vacation has allowed me is that it's just not the cancer,
but three years of transition, moving, new jobs and a
lifetime of work that has worn us both down. And we know we are not the only ones in that boat.
These questions kept coming into my mind, "How do you keep a grip on the present tense? How do you not let the good work that vacations do slip away? How can you do a better job of taking care of yourself and take time for yourself--everyday--not just vacation days?
And those are the questions that frame the spirit of our return home: How can we do this life thing better?
When you are sick, especially having cancer, being well becomes the primary goal of your existence. Every day is about trying to be as healthy as you can. But when you are well (or think you are well) your health and well-being take a back seat.
Work, family obligations, projects, bad habits grab the forefront. And the anxieties that come with them are accepted as the norm not the exception.
We all know that there is something very wrong with that picture, but nonetheless I can already see the importance of my daily walk or exercise being diminished by the importance of reading my email or tending to work related projects. The quiet time in both our heads is being replaced by lists of thing we need to remember to do. The time that was totally our own, no longer is.
. . .or is it?
This week Andrew goes back to be retested to see where he stands --to see if the treatment did any good or if it did not. It seems momentous and I can feel my stress level raising daily thinking about it. The other day when I was out walking I was fretting about this and told myself I might as well brace for the worst and get my head around that. Two or three steps later I had a flash of insight and the profound realization that that was really stupid. What good did imagining the worst (or the best) really do? Would it really make me better prepared for whatever lay ahead? In reality it was just making me more anxious and tainting a perfectly good day. My thoughts were just shaping me, not shaping the outcome of
anything that would happen next week.
How much to we all do this to ourselves?
How do we keep a hold on the more simple, joyful "being" rather than constantly thinking about what's next.
How do we do what is best for us EVERY DAY, not just when we have time for it?
In someways, this poses a far greater challenge than fighting cancer, but like fighting cancer it begins with gaining the understanding of what you are up against. . .
We all know, deep inside, what we need to do. . . we just need to do it. . .
and we need to support each other in doing those things.
So if want to know what you can do for us today--- just go do something for yourself that you ordinarily wouldn't do-- that's fun or healthy or just lazy.
In the end, I am certain it will be good for all of us!
